Monday, May 19, 2008

A Fightful Weekend- Mistakes Made and Lessons Learnt

This was one of those weekends where I ended up fighting with one of my good girl friends. What started out as a dull conversation, due to a misunderstanding, soon became an atomic blow-up and my behavior played a significant role in worsening the situation.

Little did I realize that an innocent phone conversation, that was supposed to make plans for a weekend outing would turn out to be so conflicting. While it has been a few years since I got so riled up and exhibited tendencies and behavior worthy of a kinder gardner, nevertheless, it made me feel that in some ways, I still haven't matured or learnt to behave wiser. When I see conflict with another person, instead of trying to avoid blowing it up or atleast withdrawing, forget even making peace, I charge ahead like a firm headed bull (so typical of my taurean nature) and say a lot of hurtful things about the person on the other end. And, I do all this with a raised voice filled with emotional tension and anger, which only adds more negative impact to the situation. What starts out as an angry outburst proceeds full blast into a blameful tirade, where I bring out all the past issues from several incidents, that probably, don't have relevance to the current issue at hand and what I have is a classic recipe for a snowball fight.

I have very less thought on the outcome of this, on what would happen to damage the relationship I have with the friend and other parties concerned. I am only concerned about getting my pent up complaints out, I think this is a good opportunity to pile up all I have against this person at one shot, without pausing to think even for a second, as to how shocked and hurtful the other person might be feeling because of this sudden outburst. Also, in this case, when the friend was dealing with family issues etc., it makes me feel so bad about myself. I couldn't have picked a wronger time to have this brawl with her.

In essence, here are all the things I didn't do during this fight and have never been able to do during conflict situations-

Didn't stay cool and talk calmly
Played the Blame Game
Got trapped into another fight

While, my friend handled the situation way more maturedly and took the first step in apologizing, she also pointed out my flaws in a manner that was way less hurtful than what I did to her and got me thinking more about my behavior. While we both have a long history and also share a common environment and will be seeing each other often, there is definitely a black mark hole that I've created in this friendship. I hope that I have it in me to things better for us, if not completely normal. While, its very much in my nature to not let bygones be bygones, I really wish that I am able to change that (for my own betterment) and put this episode behind us and move forwward. I am sure that furture conflicts between us will come up, but, I will try and make a conscious attempt to not bring up the old fight or the emotions I felt during it. I also hope to treat her with more sensitivity in the future and when conflicts come up, would rather take care of them right away, rather than letting them build into the kind of fights that can do real damage to the friendship.

Genuine Friendship

By Srimathi Raman

Genuine friends are hard to find.
Friends may not be of the same kind.
Wave lengths need to match.
They belong to life’s greenest patch.
Their nature may differ.
The thoughts will concur.
This ‘friendly’ bond is its own pride.
All other bonds’ envy.
Birth of friendship is not out of compulsion.
This is the specialty of this relation.
True feelings shared are beyond compare.
This makes a genuine friend so rare.
Transparency maintained is super-duper.
Gossips can never hamper.
This has no space for hear says.
Differences do happen; also sorted are these.
There is no place for mediator.
Need for mediation demands a preponderor.
This need reveals the fallacy.
The bond is affected by palsy.
Real friendship is very healthy.
This survives only with the ‘worthy’.
Rareness is the challenge to this relation.
Commonly found is cheap imitation.


A-kay said...

The fact that you look back at the conversation to analyze and accept your faults, tells me that you are matured. Don't worry - we all have our own flare up moments and I am sure your friend will understand this. Some years later, may be you and your GF will look back at this moment and laugh together - even though it doesn't sound very plausible now, believe me (a flare-up person myself) when I say that :).

Cham said...

Oh oh, seems the heat has irrated u to be so hot! To get angry is common, but always think twice before talking. As in Tamil " Kottinadu alla mudiyadu " some people never forgot in life time ...Now u realised ur fault which is really a good sign!

Uma said...

you're so good that you have realised the mistake and analysed it. Hope you both get into good terms.

Bavani said...

Hi :)

Thanks for dropping by my blog. Hope you come by regularyly (I must write more often).

It's definitely a start that you can sit down and look back at the disagreement and tell yourself how you can do it differently the next time. Anyway, I truly believe that the true strength of a friendship lies in overcoming hurdles not just in enjoying the good times (very much like a marriage?). Hope things get better :)

Spillay said...

Sweety.... you are just human. Don't go beating yourself up. When I read this, I thought that you sounded so much like me when I am having an argument with someone I love...

Spillay xx

na_an said...

Good Friendships overcome all fights and misunderstandings. Bad Friendships will not last, even if you try to please the person in ways possible. It is better to fight, then keep pent up emotions and avoid conversations. Anger is the most natural response. Take a easy...things will get better as time passes and if you truly say sorry and mean it to your friend, it will automatically improve the friendship...:-)

backpakker said...

i think its better to let go of ones feelings ...if its a true friendship, it will survive, know its cheap imitation ..
good to know that you are also from madras..and thanks for your visit to backpakker

priya said...


A good/ best friend will never let you down you know. They know their friends behavior/ attitude and do remain calm until things get finish. When you feel u have hurt someone, its said you have bounced back coming out of that. Its just a passing phase sometimes it happens even among sisters u know.

mitr_bayarea said...

A-kay, Cham, Uma, Bavani, Spillay,
Na_an, Backpakker and Priya-

Thanks for all your thoughts and words of support.

Shankari said...

A good fight sometimes is needed, just to vent and release all that pent up thoughts. But it is good that you have a friend who can tell you your flaws. One cant get a better friend. Put your chin up and forget this episode ever happend.

Laksh said...

Can relate much to this :) Am with akay on this. Some day in the future your GF and you will look back and talk about this.

Janaki Gopalan said...

Hi Mitr,

Can relate very well to this blog!
I have had such experiences and always felt I could have handled it better - just like what you say.
In a fit of hurry to prove a point, we tend to worsen the situation.

In the past when such things have happened, taking space from both sides has helped both sides. After a few days or months/distance, true friendships will come back only stronger.


mitr_bayarea said...

Shankari, Laksh and Janaki-

Thanks for sharing your views and experiences on this, hopefully, with time this will get resolved.

UL said...

we all have our moments of outburst, realizing the mistake is a good first step, so you are in the right track....